I took the kids out to get a hair cut today, and they look good. Went to the car ready to go to the grocery store. The car wouldn't start. I crawled underneath hit some stuff with a hammer and it wouldn't start. Finally got a jump and made it home without shopping. Now.... Where the hell are we going to get the money to fix it? I have already started to withdraw and be snippy while I gather my thoughts. The truth is that we don't have the money to get it diagnosed. Thanks to some friends from years past, I have the skills to troubleshoot and replace parts if I need to. Parts cost money. No matter what I do, I don't have the money. Unstoppable force meet immovable object. Need and desire are the unstoppable force and lack of resources the immovable object. I remind myself, and I must, that Andrea will get home from work and have her own set of worries about this. She may even ask questions that feel like attacks. "did you try this", "did you do that". When I think about it logically she is trying to deal with her own sense of helplessness. There were times however, when I would take my grumpiness out on her full force. I would somehow believe that it was only my problem and she had no business interrupting my process with her questions. Being where I am, I can extend it to being our process. I can't tell you when it changed for me or why, but I know that we will face this problem together. Yes we need the resources, but how little worth they have if I damage my family. I am confident that the money will come, it always does. We have the luxury of a spare car and really we can wait. That waiting has a painful lack of control over our environment.
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