Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I Never Win

     She looked at me and said "FINE YOU WIN".

     While that might be technically true. I made the discussion so hard that it was impossible. I didn't feel like I won anything. I felt like a jerk. What I had been trying to say slipped away unnoticed. I wondered to myself what is winning?

     When I was younger it was simple, winning was being right. As I have gotten older and life has gone down paths I never imagined, I realized that I only had minimal control over my ship. Winning wasn't winning. Tears and anger had no place in my mind and heart. The big question "What is Winning?". It comes now in smaller things. A smile or hug or quiet walk. Holding hands and cuddles. Planning our future and observing the kids growing up.

     Forgiveness is winning. Forgiving myself for those mistakes, forgiving her for hurting me. In forgiveness there is peace. It doesn't come fast and strong, it grows slowly over time. We both have to try to accept the good changes and try to let go of the bad habits. I love my wife, so winning can only be about that love.

     The most amazing thing is I have the CHOICE. I choose what makes me feel like winning. Admittedly it has taken almost two decades to accept that my choices needed revamping. It is not too late. So for today I will try to win with love and kindness.

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