Thursday, March 31, 2011

I hate you, I need you

Your in love, you know your in love, and they are in love with you. This time they hurt your feelings too much, in fact they did it on purpose. So with pillow in hand and blanket dragging on the floor you head to the couch for a fitfull sleep than you would rather have than be in bed with them.

Image by Arvind Balaraman /

 At 6 years old you might even yell “I hate you”. 

He embarrassed you at the company Christmas party. He had too many drinks and he always embarrasses you when he drinks too much. When you get home he is going to want sex. Well not this time he can just take care of himself. When you hit the bed you roll over and firmly turn your back to him. You fall asleep to his urgings.

At 6 years old you might even have yelled “I hate you”.

It happens in big and small ways, but in all relationships it happens. You get wounded by someone who is there to love and support you, to care about you. Somehow this person you trust and care about has managed to hurt you deeply. Again!!!!

Out comes that 6 year old hurt, mad, lonely, confused, thinking no one is listening and you are not getting what you want. Pouts, one word answers, brisk avoidance of being touched, yet wanting to be touched and held and coddled just not by them. 

“I hate you”

No one in any relationship avoids this. If you haven’t gone through it trust me you will. Next to our parents our wife, husband, lover is the most intimate relationship we will ever have. They can make us feel proud of ourselves, they can motivate us, they can reach in and heal our broken heart. They can also with a word push us over a cliff. They can drag us in the mud and muck, leave us hanging on by a thread. They can leave us abandoned and alone.

“I hate You”

You can have the same fight again and again about who hurt who or why it was ok to hurt each other or you can try to overcome the painful and reoccurring pattern. You feel so bad, tormented, alone that you remove yourself however briefly, from the relationship. Essentially you withhold your love or feel that love is being kept from you. You have heard the adage “never go to sleep when angry”. Have you ever thought why some dumb ass would have said that? Is this the same guy who says stupid crap like turn that frown upside down? It’s not the silly trite sayings its about the power in taking control of yourself as best you can. Give some thought as to what happens when you have thoughts like “they owe me an apology”, or “I don’t want to talk so leave me alone.”

You stand alone and intractable unbending expecting them to do the right thing when there is nothing they can to that will be right. You have to be mad, have to grieve that BS they just put you through. So you teach them that you can withstand their lack of caring and can one up them. You can withhold love, sex, tenderness, understanding. You can “show” them what it feels like.

Or you can reach out, even if it’s just a little.

What did you think when you read that. Something along the lines of impossible. Maybe not impossible maybe unthinkable.

Change the phrase from “I hate you” to “I need you”. It will be dangerous and perhaps even fail. It will leave you hanging out there for them to take another shot. Eventually it will get through. To get over withholding love and having it withheld from you the pattern HAS TO be changed. You have to change it. Why, well because you are reading this or things like it and are looking for a way it’s true, but it is hard. I mean really hard. It might feel like it would be easier to climb Mount Everest. 

“I need you”

Get it out somehow, some of the time. You can’t change anything in your partner or yourself if you keep the same routine. The fights will always be the same until you do something different. It’s not giving in, it’s not condoning bad behavior. It is changing the message. If you didn’t need you wouldn’t hurt. 

“I need you”

Try it.....

“I need you”

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